Funnimetric

Dear Sci-Fi apologist,

I've been watching the Star Wars marathon on the men's TV station, Spike. What accounts for the poor quality of the holograms in the Star Wars movies?

Sincerely,

Star Wars fan.

Dear Star Wars fan,

First of all, only men under 30 or the perpetually juvenile watch Spike. Mature men watch the History Channel. Now, on to your question: At first, considering the vast distances involved, I thought it was a simple case of transmission interference, but then I noticed that even in local projections such as ones from the Jedi security archives and princess Leia's famous plea for help (below), the holograms were of poor quality.

Notice the lack of color and abundant artifacts.

After a little research, I discovered that long ago, hologram projectors for the entire Republic were outsourced to a small company on the slave planet of Tatooine, Invictatech. Early Invictatech hologram projectors suffered from a firmware bug that greatly degraded quality. Although IT directors across the universe worked hard to resolve the problem, during the events in question, many projectors still weren't patched.

The hologram game on the Millennium Falcon didn't suffer from the problem because Han Solo had decided to go with Macs.

Notice the higher quality.

General Motors (GM /PowerRating) unveiled a plan to halt its steep sales decline with larger and more "relevant" dealer lot gorillas.

Chairman & Chief Executive Officer G. Richard Wagoner, Jr. explained:

"We knew we had to do something fast. We decided to get back to basics. No more space aliens or Barneys-from now on, huge menacing gorillas."

Analyst Juan Fulano of the Casesa Shapiro Group in New York thought it was a good first step, but felt GM needed to do much more in order to get into the black:

"Standardizing marketing is always a good idea; it helps to build a brand. Honda has been successful with the whole "quality" thing. GM wants people to associate GM with huge, powerful (yet sympathetic and nurturing) beasts. I think they can pull it off. Still, younger, trendier buyers aren't as interested in inflatable creatures as much as the older generation. Maybe if they combine the gorillas with an indoor disco ball."

Some industry insiders, however, fear that GM might set off an inflatable gorilla war. The confident Wagoner answered concerns by practically begged rivals to do so: "Toyota wants to go toe-to-toe with our gorillas- I say bring it on!"

Fifty-two-year-old Macrida Patterson, who works in parking enforcement for the Los Angeles Department of Transportation, says she suffered a scratched cornea after either a pendant or a metal fastener snapped off a pair of panties and struck her in the eye.

"It does seem sort of unbelievable at first," said Patterson's attorney, Jason Buccat. But, he said, his client's injuries will "affect her for the rest of her life."

Tammy Roberts Myers, a Victoria's Secret spokeswoman, said the company had not seen the lawsuit and had no comment.

Apparently the thong failed to meet industry standards. I suppose we can expect warning labels next:

Warning: For external use only. Keep thong away from eyes. In case of swallowing, drink milk. Do not induce vomiting. Seek medical attention immediately.

It also reminds me of my only run in with thongs. Wanting to fit in a beach party thrown by the French embassy, I purchased a thong. Imagine my embarrassment when I went outside after having put it on backwards.

First, they came for the spelling. I had spell check so I said nothing. Then, they came for the semicolons...

The American Free Press uncovered a Bilderberg plot to suppress the practice of correct grammar. Victims of the conspiracy report below:

Bilderberg Announces 2008 Conference

(Bilderberg has become difficult to conceal from the public. Below is a press release from Bilderberg admitting to this year’s meeting in Virginia. Exclusive AFP photos follow this release.)

Business Wire News Releases
Published: 06/05/08 08:10 PM EDT
Released By:
American Friends of Bilderberg

The 56th Bilderberg Meeting will be held in Chantilly, Virginia, USA 5 – 8 June 2008. The Conference will deal mainly with a nuclear free world, cyber terrorism, Africa, Russia, finance, protectionism, US-EU relations, Afghanistan and Pakistan, Islam and Iran.. Approximately 140 participants will attend, of whom about two-thirds come from Europe and the balance from North America. About one-third is from government and politics, and two-thirds are from finance, industry, labor, education and communications. The meeting is private in order to encourage frank and open discussion.

More here.

Miss Universe 2007 contestants frolic on the beach.

from here

Bikinis and other sexy stimuli can make men more prone to seek immediate gratification — leading to blown diets, budgets and bank accounts, new research suggests.

In the study, detailed in the Journal of Consumer Research, men alternately fondled t-shirts and bras (which were not being worn during the test).

After touching the bras, men valued the future less and the present more, said lead researcher Bram Van Den Bergh of Katholieke Universiteit Leuven in Belgium. Viewing ads with women in bikinis had the same effect.

Shocking! Did the researchers think looking at bikinis would make men want to add to their 401K?

Like many Republicans, I'm rooting for either Jindal or Palin as McCain's running mate. People have already written about Palin and Jindal's intelligence and reformer credentials. Both have lovely families. However, there's one factor that I haven't seen talked about anywhere. Based on recent history, Bobby Jindal will almost certainly avoid embarrassing vice-presidential spelling mistakes:

The famous picture and the start of the "gotcha" left.

A pilot program in Barack Obama's back yard. has had positive emission results, according to Barack Obama.

Citing the wild success of CAFE standards for automobiles, presidential candidate Barack Obama and the Democratic party have drawn up plans to limit the size of American homes. According to the proposal, Americans will be limited to a maximum of 250 square feet per person:

"A smaller house means less heating and cooling costs, less building materials, especially wood that, in their tree form, recycles the greenhouse emissions that cause global warming and concrete that comes from our precious rocks. Smaller houses means less encroachment of ancient native-American burial grounds. Working together, we can impose these and other important regulations.

Pioneers in California have already made progress by eliminating vestiges of our polluting past. They've ended such environmental mini-holocausts as wood-burning fire places, lawnmowers, selfish comfortableness, and light bulbs."

Other proposals include building only duplex housing with one of the units going to somebody from the "working class" (incomes from $0 to $80,000)and the other unit going to a "non-worker" (income of $80,000 per year and above.).

"America has become a nation of haves and have-nots. By living together, we can foster understanding and reconciliation: Black and white, clean and dirty, Jew and gentile, polluter and non-profit employee, corporate raider and community organizer. It'll be just like college when me, a poor son of an African father and single mom was able to express his rage at the system to sympathetic sons and daughters of millionaires. Let's live next to each other in one giant purple paradise! Yes we can!"

Obama, doing what he does best: bringing out the best in us.

According to policy insiders, common sense exceptions will be made for Hollywood actors, former vice-presidents (and former vice-presidential candidates).

Anticipating criticism from the Republican attack machine, Obama concluded, "Thinking that Americans can make their own decisions about housing and lighting fixtures is the same Bush-McCain thinking that got us in this mess in the first place."

1. For a reason I can't quite articulate, I see like of sports as a sign of mental health so I bribed my son with a day of unfettered access to his new Wii if he watched fifteen minutes of the game. He ended up watching the whole four quarters.

2. Sports are men's non-intellectual, but down-to-the-soul, elemental pleasure like America's Top Model or The View is for women. For "atmosphere," I watched the game with the sound on, but sports commentary almost never gets beyond the banal, as per the previous statement.

3. My own contribution to worthless sports punditry:

The Celtics' tough defense held the Lakers to less points, facilitating a Boston victory.

4. Kobe's good- he reminds me of myself without the inside game or defensive ability- but he's not better than Jordan, Magic, or Bird. I'd take Olajuwon over him too, I think.

5. Did the Lakers draft the whole country of Slovakia?

6. The replay of the Laker-Celtic rivalry during halftime was interesting and brought back some good eighties memories for me. An expanded hour-long documentary would be good. The half-half faces were dumb. I still would have preferred, for halftime:

7. Hancock seems like an interesting movie. Columbia has given it the best marketing tie-ins since China Syndrome and Greenpeace.

woops! Here's the trailer:

The China Syndrome (Special Edition)

8. GMC says that they're "professional grade." What does that mean?

9. One of the commercials featured a guy who called himself a "couch surfer," somebody with "a lot of friends, but no place of his own." You'd think sports fans wouldn't be sympathetic to the hardships of runaways turned male prostitutes.

Can Hillary of Kathleen Sibelius work a leather cat uniform like Samantha Carter?

Michael Medved goes over McCain's running mate choices today on Townhall. I'm grateful to Medved for his sound analysis, but he neglects one outside-the-box choice, former Stargate SG-1 team member Samantha Carter. The Asymmetric staff (thanks, honey) has prepared the following addendum to Medved's list:

Pros:

1. Military experience. Carter has served her country on all seven continents including Antarctica and two galaxies including the battleground galaxy of Andromeda- no chicken hawk here. She's single-handedly taken down whole Goa'uld mother ships, and we owe her our very existence several times over.

2. Multiculture. Carter's not multi-racial, she's multispeciel. As she's blended with the Tokral Goa'uld Jolinar, Carter knows what it's like to be a minority.

3. Smarts. Ph.D. in astrophysics (Beat that, Mr. Harvard.). Samantha Carter has developed alternate sources of power from Naqahdah, a find, in and of itself, that can break our dependence on foreign oil. She can directly help the United States auto industry with her knowledge of alien spacecraft (chronicled in the mini-documentary Space Race.

4. Dedication, loyalty. Samantha Carter has never abandoned a comrade whether on earth as demonstrated by her devotion to Colonel O'Neill in the frozen tundra (See the documentary Solitudes.) or in space. No Scott McClellans here.

5. Babe factor. Men shouldn't be over-estimated. Given a choice between Kathleen Sibelius, Hillary Clinton, or Samantha Carter, 20% of strait Democratic men would cross over to McCain.

6. Corruption fighting. Carter has consistently fought against corruption within the SGC against Senator Kinsey and the NID.

7. Age. Although some opposition researchers will claim that Samantha Carter is actually hundreds of years old due to the time dilation field she created to save the earth as documented in Unending; in earth time, she's only 39, younger than all but Jindal.

8. Terror-fighting experience. Her experience with religious extremism (Ori) gives her terrorist-fighting credibility.

9. Female appeal. Women can relate to her many hair-style changes. Carter lost her mom at an early age giving her a tragic, raised-by-daddy, Little Mermaid/Nancy Drew vibe. Feminists will like her blow for equality as told in Emancipation.

Cons

1. Canuckness. Some have circulated a nasty email rumor that Samantha Carter is Canadian, a fact which would disqualifying her from holding the vice-presidency (Some have suggested that this ban be lifted for all naturalized citizens except those from Canada.). Debunk: Her father, Jacob Carter (Selmak), was a Major General in U.S. Air Force before joining the Tok'ra.

2. No political experience. In this anti-incumbent environment, her outside-the-beltway origins might not be a bad thing.

3. Alien-ness. Many in the immigration enforcement movement may be confused by her nuanced position on aliens (merit-based, with strict enforcement procedures in place). On the other hand, her advocacy of the Unas cause can come across as compassionate.

4. Black Widow factor. Samantha has had an unconventional love life. She's been involved with alien men, something many Americans haven't yet come to terms with. Not only does her persistent singleness raise family-value questions, but many of her lovers, starting with Martouf, have died. Although none of the deaths were the direct result of her actions, it's still creepy.

Obama addresses the troops.

Gaining inspiration from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Barack Obama plans to "raise an unbeatable army of the fallen" to go after "unscrupulous lenders, oil companies, forces of division in politics, supporters of Bush's failed policies, voices of the past, the hopeless, and Pakistan."

Obama will recruit the army by using his "healing powers to free the soldiers of their earthly obligations."

Obama says the unusual recruitment technique is necessary after the G.I. Bill enticing soldiers to leave the service.

Barack Obama will do away with the "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy in force since the time of Aragorn in the Battle of the Pelennor Fields

Addressing the troops, Obama began:

On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong.

The Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King (Platinum Series Special Extended Edition)